If You Spot it You’ve Got it!

Depositphotos_53962073_s-2015 The fairy in the children’s video flew around gracefully sprinkling her fairy dust and proclaiming in a British accent, “If you sput it, you’ve gut it!” In this video created by the Kabbalah Centre’s Spirituality for Kids, the fairy was pointing out the following to the children: When you notice something that you don’t like about someone else, the reason that you are noticing it may be because you have that same trait somewhere within yourself. So, for example, if the child is yelling at another for not sharing, it might really be about that child himself not wanting to share. Or, if a child makes fun of another for being funny looking, that child himself is probably worried about the way he looks.

This elegantly simple way of explaining the concept to children resonated with me in a powerful way. It occurred to me that this phenomenon is exactly what is getting in the way for so many of my dating coaching clients. During our one to one sessions as well as at my workshops, I hear many singles “sputting” various flaws in potential partners. For example, “I can see that he is really a commitment phobe.” If the woman who is pointing that out really reflects honestly about what is going on for her, it is possible that she is actually feeling quite ambivalent about committing and is uncomfortable dealing with those feelings. So, it is much easier to spot it out in her potential partner and blame it on his “flaw”.

Furthermore, let’s be aware that when we are looking within ourselves for the trait that we spotted in another, it may not be packaged in the identical way that we saw it in someone else. In the example of the “commitment phobe,” another possibility is that the woman is not actually ambivalent about committing to a partner, but she is “phobic” about committing in other aspects of her life such as career, parenting, or finances and that is why she spotted it within him. The trait within ourselves that we are spotting in others may be camouflaged and may require searching to uncover it inside.

The more emotionally reactive we are when we spot the “flaw” in a potential partner, a significant other, or anyone else, the greater indication it is that we might fear having some form of that trait within ourselves. For example, if we find ourselves extremely annoyed by someone who is trying to capture a lot of attention, that strong reaction we are having often relates to the part of us that is craving more attention or is frustrated with the lack of it that we experience. So, a signal to ourselves that we are experiencing the “If You Spot it, You’ve Got it” phenomenon is that  we are not just objectively observing the trait in another person, we are feeling an emotional reaction to what we are noticing.

What if we could use this fairy’s lesson to become more honestly self-reflective? What impact might that have on our love lives or potential love lives? If each time we “sputted” a “flaw” in others, we asked ourselves what aspect of that trait we have within ourselves, and furthermore, what can we do to create positive change and transform our own trait, how much more love and connection would flow between people?

So here’s my challenge for you this week, each time you spot it, ask yourself, “how have I got it?” I’d love to hear what you all discover…I’ll be challenging myself to do the same…

Valentine’s Day: Relating to Fear

Young attractive woman holding red paper heart like a valentine card and hiding her face

A wide range of decisions in all aspects of life are often discussed by clients during our coaching sessions. Whether the decision is relationship based or career based, there is a common theme at the “heart of the matter.” What is driving your decision? If you are being honest with yourself, is the answer to my question – FEAR?  If fear is the governing force, think back to an important decision that you made in the past and ask yourself how important the fear factor was in what you decided. How satisfied were you with how that decision played out? What other examples of fear based decisions can you think of in your life?

When I think back on my own fear based decisions as well as those of many of my coaching clients, I know that we do not relate to those decisions as being among our best. Some examples are: Staying in a damaging relationship out of fear of being alone, staying in a hated job out of fear of the job hunting process, not going for a promotion out of fear of rejection, not asking an important question out of fear of the answer, chasing a love interest too much out of fear of losing him/her, not dating at all out of fear of rejection, and the list goes on infinitely.

So, this Valentine’s Day, how can we honor our hearts and use the powerful intuition that resides within each of us to lead us into decisions that are based in strength, authenticity, wisdom, and love? Let’s begin with these steps regarding a current decision that we are pondering:

• Close your eyes for a moment and tune into your truth. What is driving your decision?

• If the answer is fear, ask the fearful part of you to honestly tell you what it is really afraid of and truly listen for the answer.

• Allow yourself to picture your worst case scenario, play it out briefly in your mind, and ask yourself how you would cope.

• Think of another time in your life when you overcame your fear and made a decision that really worked for you.

• Ask yourself what strengths of character, talents, traits, and skills you relied on to make that decision work for you despite the fear.

• What are the parallels between the two situations and how can you apply those strengths to your current decision? Be specific in your answer and let it guide you to create a possible plan.

• Finally, with your eyes closed, ask yourself this very powerful question: What would you do if you weren’t afraid? Let the answer wash over you and allow it to guide your next steps.

Honor your heart this Valentine’s Day and base your decisions on strength, authenticity, wisdom and love. Try out this system of relating to your fears today and see where it leads you.

Working through your fear regarding an important decision? Contact Coach Heidi at www.reinventionlifecoaching.com to create your personalized plan towards a decision that is based on strength, authenticity, wisdom, and love.

Your 2017 Dating Success Recipe

Fun chef

I am asked for an exact formula and recipe for dating success by many individual coaching clients, workshop participants, and media interviewers. Although I have powerful guidelines to share that have helped many bring the love into their lives that they desire, I must first answer your question with a question. How happy are you with your current situation? If your answer is a very positive one, then you’ve got this, rinse and repeat. If your answer reflects that you are seeking different results, then let’s keep this in mind for starters: “If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’re gonna get what you’ve always gotten.” So, we need to change how we’ve been approaching our love life if we want to generate more desirable effects.

Now that we’re clear about the desire to change things up by transforming what we have done before, we can move on to determining the specifics. Here’s the bottom line, each of us needs to figure out what it is that we need to work on, ie what patterns, default behaviors, thoughts, and energy we need to transform. For example, I am often asked by women, “Should I text the guy after the date or wait for him to contact me?” The response to this question requires introspection on your part. If your pattern is typically to text immediately with effusive thank yous and compliments, then your work might be to hold off until the next day or until he contacts you. In this way, you are working to transform the energy that you are conveying, which is often more important than the exact timing of the text. So now your energy is becoming more confident and independent as opposed to overeager. If your pattern is to be “stand-offish” and the guy may not know that you’re interested, then your work might be to send a quick text that reflects some warmth. Now your energy is becoming more open to connection and intimacy rather than disinterest.

So, secret revealed. There is a completely different recipe for how each of us can improve our dating success. We need to tune into our inner wisdom, be honest with ourselves and identify those patterns. When we are each conscious of the individual personal growth that is required for our unique journey, we can change what we’ve always done, so we don’t get what we’ve always gotten, when what we really want is a completely different result. What step will you take towards transforming your patterns today?

Contact Coach Heidi at https://reinventionlifecoaching.com/ for a complimentary consultation to begin creating an individualized plan to transform your specific patterns that are getting in the way of the love that you desire in your life.