It’s Not Just You

Multi-Cultural Office Staff Sitting Having Meeting Together“I thought it was just me” is a familiar phrase of many of my divorce coaching clients, until I assure them that their thoughts and feelings regarding separation and divorce are completely normal. The look of relief and encouragement on their faces is part of why I love what I do so much. During our one to one sessions, as clients explore their pain, disappointment, frustration, anger, sadness, relief, fear, and ambivalence, they begin to feel validated by the fact that their emotions are extremely common and completely understandable.

This phenomenon contributes to my clarity around the importance of these individuals connecting with each other for support, understanding, and to deepen their feelings of validation; and that is precisely what so many have asked for over the years. Clients have requested groups where they can feel safe to discuss what they are going through with others who are experiencing similar divorce related challenges and emotions.

The Family Law and Divorce Firm of Wisselman and Associates understands that exact need within people who are experiencing this life transition. That is why they have collaborated with me and generously offered space in their beautiful Great Neck, New York conference room to host these much needed groups. They are concerned about the needs of people during this painful time, before during and beyond the crucial legal aspect of the process which they so expertly and comprehensively provide.

We have developed four monthly groups to suit various needs of individuals during this transition and there is no fee to attend. I will be facilitating these empowerment groups using a positive coaching focus along with strategies to help you successfully navigate this transition and create the new life that you desire. There will be a different divorce related topic discussed each month along with open discussion, questions, and answers.

These groups are for you if you are:

  • Contemplating divorce or your spouse is considering it
  • You are headed for divorce and you’re not sure how and where to begin
  • You are in any stage of separation or divorce

Choose from the following groups:

  • Separation and Divorce Discussion
  • Women’s Divorce: Moving Forward
  • Divorcing Dads Discussion
  • Divorce Over 50 Discussion

Click here for schedule and further information

Feel free to reach out with questions:


Using a Life Coach in the Divorce Process and Beyond


In this article, I was interviewed by Divorce Attorney and Mediator, Deborah Kaminetsky on the role of a Life Coach in the divorce process. Check out what I shared that you might not have thought about before…

Alternate Reality: Trump, Clinton, or Your Ex-Spouse?

debateAs I watched the first presidential debate and the ensuing commentary, I began to analyze the human dynamic unfolding before me. What I saw was an exaggerated, dramatic, extreme example of what is part of our human nature and what I notice in particular with my divorcing clients.

Here it is in a nutshell: We see what we want to see, not necessarily what actually is. Just as we see whichever candidate we support as preforming better and telling the truth, we see our own reality as the accurate one in contrast to whomever we are disagreeing with. The higher the stakes, the more tunnel vision develops. Whether in politics or in a personal feud, our perception is often too black and white and not nuanced as the truth actually is.

In following the post-debate commentary, I noticed that depending upon who is reporting and who is viewing, even seemingly objective measures completely conflict based upon human perception, including fact checks and polls. Similarly, each divorcing client brings forth evidence of his/her perspective which is believed to be compelling and indisputable by that client and his/her supporters.

Let’s take this phenomenon a step further into the post-divorce world of dating and in fact, into the entire sphere of “looking for love.” Here as well, we see what we want to see during our initial dates and not necessarily what in fact exists. For example, when we are in the throes of physical attraction and our own needs and desires, we often dismiss our inner voice in favor of the reality that we wish to create, ultimately leading to disappointment when the truth reveals itself.  This phenomenon often brings clients to coaching due to frustration with the dating experience.

So, what can each of us take home from this debate experience and its dramatic expression of human nature? Let’s each make an effort to be more conscious of our tendencies to see what we want to see when we are evaluating politics, relationships, or another person’s perspective. Let’s keep in mind that almost nothing is purely black or white, no matter how clearly we initially see it that way. Let’s check in with ourselves around our own “alternate reality” so that we can make wiser and more insightful choices in all aspects of our lives; political, personal, and professional. If we don’t become more conscious of our human tendencies to see only what we want to see, aren’t we really becoming more like the supporters of whichever presidential candidate we are criticizing?

At Peace with Ambivalence

We human beings tend to have difficulty with feeling ambivalence. We prefer to believe that we have things all figured out or that we have formulated our opinion and are comfortable with it. When we can’t categorize how we feel about a situation or a person in a clear way, we feel unsettled, confused, and even anxious.

During all phases of the divorce or breakup process, we often grapple with that uncomfortable ambivalence. We would feel much more settled if we could just identify with one type of sentiment all the time, for example, “I am so well rid of my partner and much better off without him/her,” rather than having a range of feelings and beliefs, some of them even contradictory.

Here’s what we need to know for ourselves and how we can help clients and friends grappling with ambivalence:

  • It is perfectly normal and part of the human condition to feel ambivalence.
  • Give yourself complete permission to feel ambivalence without any negative self-talk about it.
  • Even if you have worked really hard to reach a certain realization or way of looking at a situation, it’s OK if at certain times, the opposite feeling creeps its way into your mind. For example, you thought you were celebrating being rid of your partner, but something triggered you momentarily and you got a stab of sadness or regret.
  • When the opposite feeling surfaces, that doesn’t mean all of your inner work was ineffective, it’s all a perfectly usual part of the process. For example, if you are finally feeling like you are moving on past wanting to reconcile, just because some doubt or fear creeps in, that doesn’t nullify all the strength that you developed nor your desire to create a new and satisfying life for yourself.
  • Even if that opposite feeling that you were hoping never to experience again begins to surface and causes an extreme emotional reaction, it can actually be beneficial to go back and mourn and grieve for a while. You can then move on feeling even stronger than before.
  • Be compassionate with yourself about your feelings of ambivalence, you are still making steady progress, even if it is developing slowly, towards feeling stronger, happier, and more independent

We human beings are extremely complex, let’s accept and celebrate the beauty and the depth in that, welcoming all reactions and emotions without judgement, and persevering along our climb to success in all aspects of our lives.

*Some concepts are based upon “The Internal Family Systems Model” 

*Contact Heidi Krantz, Professional Life Coach, for an individualized plan to work through your ambivalence and create the life that you desire at