Finding love over 50 during the pandemic  









Excerpt from full Newsday article:

‘A screening tool’

Heidi Krantz, a certified life and dating coach based in Plainview, also noted the increase and value of video-chat use. “To a certain degree, it’s a screening tool with which you can save yourself from disappointment — and time and energy.” Like Fisher, Krantz predicts live video will endure past the pandemic as a vital step of modern-day wooing. “It has its advantages. It slows down the physical element and allows you time to evaluate if the person has the traits you are looking for in a partner,” she explained. “When there is a real connection, people will get tested for the virus and isolate in order to see each other. Holding hands, a kiss or putting an arm around one another requires a lot of forethought.”

The top traits valued in a partner, it turns out, are the same for both older and younger people looking for love. According to Fisher, studies reveal that a person who exhibits respect, trust and humor, as well as makes enough money to support themselves and is seen as physically attractive, is considered the ideal sweetheart. “No one wants to be with a lazy, cheap, depressed drama queen,” she said. “It doesn’t change with age.”

Two years into her search for that special someone after the breakup of her 37-year marriage, Pat Castillo of East Islip met her dream guy. “Just when I was ready to give up, in the middle of this pandemic, I found my soul mate who checked off every box and then some,” said Castillo, 67.

A veteran of online and speed dating, singles support groups and matchmakers, she credited her success to doing her “homework” — that is, identifying and sticking to a list of must-haves and deal-breakers in a prospective companion, an exercise Krantz promotes.

Though with the restrictions of social-distancing, putting the lessons Castillo learned into practice was considerably more challenging. Then a “like” she received on Facebook Dating led to a 20-minute text conversation, a phone call, a five-hour in-person talk by the water in Freeport — and a wedding planned for August to Al Perreca, 71, of Farmingdale. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after,” she said.

“I see a lot of determination. People are reaching out to break the isolation and loneliness,” said Krantz, who also hosts a dating podcast and television series, and is a regular guest speaker at singles events.

“If you are of like minds, I think you can maneuver [within the restrictions of the pandemic],” said Jackie B., a divorced 64-year-old who preferred not to disclose her last name as it is in her dating profile. “You can walk in a park. The plan doesn’t have to be elaborate. Being with a person is the important thing.”

Jackie has looked to Krantz for occasional advice since she saw her at a pre-pandemic speaking engagement at a Long Island restaurant, the location of one of many workshops and activities Jackie has gone to arranged by 7 in Heaven Singles Events (7 for the number of minutes per “date” at its events) across Nassau and Suffolk counties.

Gail Adams, who started 7 in Heaven in 2008 (and met her second husband seven years in, ironically, at one of its outings), noted the comfort many over-50 singles feel attending group events. “We are more vulnerable,” explained Adams. “A lot of us have been married many years, and this is all new territory.”

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How to Deal With Disappointment in a Relationship

unnamedIn this article, I was asked to share my perspective on dealing with disappointment in a relationship. Scroll down to see what I shared, you may be surprised. What are your ideas for coping with that kind of disappointment?
Click here for a variety of strategies along with my comments:

If You Spot it You’ve Got it!

Depositphotos_53962073_s-2015 The fairy in the children’s video flew around gracefully sprinkling her fairy dust and proclaiming in a British accent, “If you sput it, you’ve gut it!” In this video created by the Kabbalah Centre’s Spirituality for Kids, the fairy was pointing out the following to the children: When you notice something that you don’t like about someone else, the reason that you are noticing it may be because you have that same trait somewhere within yourself. So, for example, if the child is yelling at another for not sharing, it might really be about that child himself not wanting to share. Or, if a child makes fun of another for being funny looking, that child himself is probably worried about the way he looks.

This elegantly simple way of explaining the concept to children resonated with me in a powerful way. It occurred to me that this phenomenon is exactly what is getting in the way for so many of my dating coaching clients. During our one to one sessions as well as at my workshops, I hear many singles “sputting” various flaws in potential partners. For example, “I can see that he is really a commitment phobe.” If the woman who is pointing that out really reflects honestly about what is going on for her, it is possible that she is actually feeling quite ambivalent about committing and is uncomfortable dealing with those feelings. So, it is much easier to spot it out in her potential partner and blame it on his “flaw”.

Furthermore, let’s be aware that when we are looking within ourselves for the trait that we spotted in another, it may not be packaged in the identical way that we saw it in someone else. In the example of the “commitment phobe,” another possibility is that the woman is not actually ambivalent about committing to a partner, but she is “phobic” about committing in other aspects of her life such as career, parenting, or finances and that is why she spotted it within him. The trait within ourselves that we are spotting in others may be camouflaged and may require searching to uncover it inside.

The more emotionally reactive we are when we spot the “flaw” in a potential partner, a significant other, or anyone else, the greater indication it is that we might fear having some form of that trait within ourselves. For example, if we find ourselves extremely annoyed by someone who is trying to capture a lot of attention, that strong reaction we are having often relates to the part of us that is craving more attention or is frustrated with the lack of it that we experience. So, a signal to ourselves that we are experiencing the “If You Spot it, You’ve Got it” phenomenon is that  we are not just objectively observing the trait in another person, we are feeling an emotional reaction to what we are noticing.

What if we could use this fairy’s lesson to become more honestly self-reflective? What impact might that have on our love lives or potential love lives? If each time we “sputted” a “flaw” in others, we asked ourselves what aspect of that trait we have within ourselves, and furthermore, what can we do to create positive change and transform our own trait, how much more love and connection would flow between people?

So here’s my challenge for you this week, each time you spot it, ask yourself, “how have I got it?” I’d love to hear what you all discover…I’ll be challenging myself to do the same…