I am asked for an exact formula and recipe for dating success by many individual coaching clients, workshop participants, and media interviewers. Although I have powerful guidelines to share that have helped many bring the love into their lives that they desire, I must first answer your question with a question. How happy are you with your current situation? If your answer is a very positive one, then you’ve got this, rinse and repeat. If your answer reflects that you are seeking different results, then let’s keep this in mind for starters: “If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’re gonna get what you’ve always gotten.” So, we need to change how we’ve been approaching our love life if we want to generate more desirable effects.
Now that we’re clear about the desire to change things up by transforming what we have done before, we can move on to determining the specifics. Here’s the bottom line, each of us needs to figure out what it is that we need to work on, ie what patterns, default behaviors, thoughts, and energy we need to transform. For example, I am often asked by women, “Should I text the guy after the date or wait for him to contact me?” The response to this question requires introspection on your part. If your pattern is typically to text immediately with effusive thank yous and compliments, then your work might be to hold off until the next day or until he contacts you. In this way, you are working to transform the energy that you are conveying, which is often more important than the exact timing of the text. So now your energy is becoming more confident and independent as opposed to overeager. If your pattern is to be “stand-offish” and the guy may not know that you’re interested, then your work might be to send a quick text that reflects some warmth. Now your energy is becoming more open to connection and intimacy rather than disinterest.
So, secret revealed. There is a completely different recipe for how each of us can improve our dating success. We need to tune into our inner wisdom, be honest with ourselves and identify those patterns. When we are each conscious of the individual personal growth that is required for our unique journey, we can change what we’ve always done, so we don’t get what we’ve always gotten, when what we really want is a completely different result. What step will you take towards transforming your patterns today?
Contact Coach Heidi at https://reinventionlifecoaching.com/ for a complimentary consultation to begin creating an individualized plan to transform your specific patterns that are getting in the way of the love that you desire in your life.
During my Fox 5 interview on dating and relationships, when Liz Dahlem asked me directly on camera, “Do you HAVE to have the talk?” many of my clients’ experiences flashed before me to help me with my answer. During coaching sessions, this hot topic has been discussed repeatedly. “If we’ve been dating for a while, can’t I just assume that we are exclusive? We talk or text often, we go out almost every Saturday night, so that means it’s just the two of us, right?” Well, let’s explore that further…
If you are both at a point in your relationship that you are ready to be exclusive, what’s holding you back from having “the talk” to clearly define the commitment? How sure are you that you are ready to close off other possibilities? How confident are you that if you bring up exclusivity that he/she will be on the same page? If you are not feeling reasonably sure that he/she is up for the commitment, what would provide you with the perception that he/she is voluntarily exclusive without a conversation? Many clients have been disappointed to learn that while they were assuming exclusivity minus “the talk,” their partner had been engaging in other opportunities and may not have been viewing that exploration as cheating in any way.
Instead of dreading “the talk,” let’s celebrate it as a great tool to gage our true feelings as well as an opportunity to potentially start out a long term relationship with healthy communication. If we are hesitant about initiating “the talk” let’s gain clarity around the reason. If we feel ready for the talk, let’s have the courage to put it out there and find out undoubtedly what our agreed upon commitment level is.
In a nutshell, if “the talk” is not taking place, one or both of us has a reason that we are not articulating our level of commitment out loud to each other. If we are not ready to do so, we are not likely ready to be monogamous. So, let’s continue to evaluate the connection for a while longer, without any assumptions, until we feel better prepared for the all-important conversation. Yes ladies and gentlemen, in order to be absolutely sure that you are in an exclusive relationship, you really do HAVE to have “the talk.”
Are you in love with being in love? Well, to some extent, we all are. Being in love is one of the greatest joys of life. Let’s look a little deeper into this question; are you in love with the idea of being in love or do you want to be truly in love with a particular individual who will be your future partner? This is a shift that I work on with many of my coaching clients and workshop participants.
One of the questions that I frequently ask clients is, “What are the traits and values that are most important to you in a potential partner?” We call these your “Must-Have Traits.” Some answers that I often here are variations of: I want someone who will dance with me in the moonlight, who will walk with me on the beach, or who will cuddle with me on the couch. Now, of course, those are all great experiences and again, many of us desire that in our lives. But we want to get to the root of the love and ask ourselves, “Why do I want to dance in the moonlight with this person?” “What are his/her unique qualities and values that cause me to want to express that kind of affection?” Furthermore, “Why does he/she want to dance, walk, and cuddle with me?” “What are my unique characteristics that cause him/her to want to express that kind of affection?”
If we are not clearly in touch with the answers to those questions, then the romance is very likely to fizzle. If what is bonding us together is our love of being in love, then what we want most does not have the foundation to make it last. So, let’s formulate a well thought out vision, and let’s look for a particular person with the values, traits, and qualities that are most important to us. Then, let’s fall in love with a real person who possesses those characteristics, not with an abstract idea. As we slowly cultivate deep love with this person, then the dances and the walks and the cuddling can be authentic and lasting, way beyond the shallow fluff of romance in the media which leads us to be limited by our love of being in love.